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Silencing Your Inner Critic

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Women have long navigated workspaces that weren't built with us in mind, fueling an inner voice of self-doubt that can hold us back. Dr. Amelia Duran-Stanton, author of "The Lotus Within" and Colonel in the US Army with decades of service, shares strategies for quieting that inner critic while building sustainable confidence as a leader.

  • Dr. Duran Stanton explains her book "The Lotus Within" focuses on strategic planning, time management, and prioritization
  • True confidence comes from showing up prepared, networking effectively, and knowing who to ask for help
  • Building confidence is about training like you fight—preparing thoroughly for high-stakes situations
  • Silencing your inner critic requires trusting your training and refocusing on the mission when self-doubt arises
  • Women of color should see their identities as differentiators rather than trying to assimilate
  • Humility and confidence aren't opposites but complementary forces—"like yin and yang"
  • When transitioning careers, focus on outcomes achieved rather than titles held
  • Recognize toxic environments using the "boiling frog syndrome" metaphor—periodically assess if you're in a harmful situation
  • Daily habits like morning journaling, intentional planning, and celebrating wins help build confidence as a muscle
  • Handle setbacks by allowing yourself to feel the emotion, then asking what you learned and what you'd do differently

For our guest full bio and show notes click here

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Speaker 1:

In this episode, we dive into a conversation many of us know all too well. For too long, women have navigated workspaces that weren't built with us in mind, fueling that inner voice of self-doubt, an inner critic that can often hold us back. Join us as we discuss strategies for how to quiet that inner critic while also building and sustaining confidence as a leader. Our guest today is Dr Amelia Duran Stanton, born in the Philippines and author of the Lotus Within, a very practical guide on how to grow your purpose and ignite your passion. Dr Duran Stanton is a colonel in the US Army and has served for over 32 years, which includes eight years enlisted with deployments to Kosovo, iraq and Afghanistan and 25 years as a PA. She also holds a PhD in post-secondary and adult education and a doctor of science and PA studies in orthopedics. She is certified as a Lean Six Sigma Master Black Belt, with multiple awards and decorations. She's also mentored, coached, sponsored and taught several women over the years.

Speaker 1:

Dr Duran Stanton who, by the way, kindly invited me to call her Amelia during this interview first coached our best members during a private session. She then returned to record this episode with us in her personal capacity and as a private sector professional. Therefore, the author and speaker views are theirs and do not reflect the official policy of the Department of the Army, the Department of Defense or the US government. For our guest's full bio and show notes, which includes a link to Amelia's book, the Lotus Within, go to wwwvestherco forward slash podcast. If you enjoyed the episode, don't forget to share with a friend, leave us a review and hit the subscribe button. And if you're looking for a little bit more support, consider joining our community of professional women. Go to wwwvestherco forward slash membership. For those listeners that are tuning in that have not read your book, do you mind telling us a little bit about it?

Speaker 2:

Sure. So the Lotus Within it's an acronym, actually, life of Timeless, unbound Strategies. So how it came about is I'm towards the end of my military career and I wanted to leave a lasting legacy, that of my passion of helping other women, and so I was stationed in Germany and I was attending a course, like I told you about prior to this call is that to teach women strategic planning and stuff like that. And instead of asking or telling them what they need, they told me what they needed. And the three things is strategic planning, time management and prioritization is what the ones that they needed help with. So those are the three pillars of the book.

Speaker 2:

And then I chose the lotus flower because it grows in mud, in darkness, wherever you are, so you can bloom wherever you're planted. Or you can bloom wherever you're planted. You can't say, oh, I don't have enough money to XXX, but even a little small change in your everyday life and prioritizing yourself is definitely worth it, because we are prone to saying yes to everything and also we want to help everybody but we neglect ourselves. So that's the baseline of everything that's in there and it's actionable. It has a workbook, so it's not just a one and done type thing it's you go through it the beginning of the year, the middle of the year, every month, however you want it, and then it's also an iJunk if you're in a mentorship, sponsorship, counseling relationship where you can discuss the lessons throughout it.

Speaker 1:

So that's basically what it's all about the lessons throughout it. So that's basically what it's all about. I love it. I'm loving it so far Not quite done yet because we just got it but I'm loving every second of it. And I see a lot of similarities from the conversation we had our last session, where the topic was how do we build courage and confidence, and I'm just curious as to how did your confidence evolve from where you first enlisted and went through training to where you are now?

Speaker 2:

I mean, I've always been a go-getter because that's how I saw the people that I was living with. I had family that was always writing into teaching, involved in the community. But in the beginning it's basically showing up right Because you don't think you're prepared, you don't know if you have the right skills, that imposter syndrome. But the showing up, being prepared, being respectful and humble and open to learning, I think it's what really helped me out. Of course, you're not always going to be ready, but I acted like I was anyway.

Speaker 2:

So the experience caught up with me in the end and I, over time, I realized that the confidence it's not about knowing everything.

Speaker 2:

It's mostly networking, trusting your ability and knowing who to go to when you need help. Or when somebody comes to me and say, ma'am, I need help on something and I don't have the answer, I need help on something and I don't have the answer, then I'm authentic in leaning into my response and owning my unique voice, especially as a Filipina and also in the military and as a woman. And I use it a lot in mentoring others. Because whenever I think I see when I was younger I would see senior leaders and I see who's there and I see what's possible when I see somebody that looks like me and I think best is definitely doing the right thing and doing that and also doing these podcasts, so confidence evolves and proving that I belong and I knew that I had something valuable to contribute. So that's definitely how I mean. I'm not fully confident in everything, but I always make an effort to show up and try and be respectful.

Speaker 1:

You also talked about how you've learned over time that confidence comes from within, not by focusing on external factors, right, an external validation. If you will, can you tell us a little bit more about what you meant with that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So a lot of it is the external factors. Sometimes it's so important to show up as the person that you are supposed to be Right. So if you, if you're, you think you in the future, you want to be an executive, don't show up disheveled. Show up as a professional disheveled, show up as a professional. And of course, you'll always have that inner critic on telling you what you are not capable of.

Speaker 2:

But you need to lean on the training and the preparation that you've done, because it's muscle memory. Like I said the last time, what would your leaders do in this situation? And follow that advice. And it's really a high stake environment wherever we are. And then you need to separate emotion from action. So respond first, process later. And confidence really doesn't mean being fearless, like you said. It means courage despite of being fearful of whatever's about to happen, because you'll gain confidence along the way as well. So that inner one is very important because that's how you see yourself. You spend the most time with yourself, regardless of who you live with, who you're working with. 24-7 is with yourself. So that inner confidence is really important and then it exudes it on the external side.

Speaker 1:

You mentioned, you're a Filipina, enlisting at a very young age, you know, going into a male dominated field, obviously, and then, on top of it, military. How did you figure out, or how did you stay focused and grounded? Did you feel welcome right away, or did you feel like, or did that come with time? How was your experience?

Speaker 2:

It depends, right. So when I was enlisted, of course the authority figures are always the ones, because we can see our rank. When you show up, you're in uniform, you already know, because we can see our rank. When you show up, you're in uniform, you already know. So it's different when you're in civilian sector. When you're a woman, somebody assumes that you're the secretary or come get me my coffee, type thing. But in the military you can actually see the rank. So when I was enlisted I could sense in that way that there's authority and also hierarchy of how I was supposed to behave, depending on who's in front of me. So it fits. With peers, of course it's more laid back, but with seniors we're actually in. There's regulations where how we're supposed to stand and parade, dress and position of attention and things like that. So that is based on hard power, right? So soft power is more.

Speaker 2:

How do you deal with people? How do you communicate with other people? So the way that I've dealt with that in the civilian setting, when you don't know what people's ranks are or their hierarchy, is just be respectful of whoever it is, even the janitor or whoever. Somebody in the boots on the ground working, has value. So don't neglect that it's. It's not based on your position or or your authority. It's how you treat people, because you're there to serve. When you're in a leadership position, you're you're there to serve. You're not there to to be served by others. You need to figure out how you can help other people.

Speaker 2:

So whenever I'm showing up there's been times when you see me I'm a woman, I'm Asian, I'm also in the military. However, when everybody else in the room is male, it's based on the respect and also the preparation that I've done, regardless of what that meeting, because then the biases and the doubts dissipate when they hear me talk and I know what I'm talking about. So that credibility is right there right away. And I'm honest and I don't sugarcoat anything. I'm basically showing up as I am in the most professional manner that I can. So in the long run, if there's anybody struggling with that, just emulate somebody that you see in public that's doing what you want to be doing. Read their bio, reach out to them and figure out how they're doing it, and I think that that's how it needs to be. Where you see the gap, you need to strengthen it. Reach out to those people that are already doing it.

Speaker 1:

Did you find it easier, harder, or did it prepare you for civilian life? You know, because you're right, I didn't think about that and we didn't really talk about that in the best sense. Okay, yeah, when you are in military, you know, you know the, the, the order, and you know the rules of engagement and and everything else. Um, I'm just curious if maybe once you got out if I've never been in the military, so I don't know like would it be easier to feel like you can't belong or you can't get there during that structure environment, or is or was it easier in the civilian life?

Speaker 2:

I always say it depends, because I've been an inspector general, I've been in leadership positions. Not a specific answer is good for everything, but from my experience of seeing former military that go into the civilian sector, sometimes they do have a hard time because they're used to regimental things, of people showing up when they need to be. But in the civilian sector it's more of a oh, I don't need to go there. It's not really that there's no camaraderie, but in the military, when we move around so much, your family is whoever is in that unit. If you don't get along, you better get along, because it's going to be miserable for those two years.

Speaker 2:

But in the civilian sector, what's prepared me as well is there are people that are veterans. So I seek out those people in those situations. In those situations and also when it comes to, um, not doing anything illegal, immoral, unethical, uh is is being open to new things. Because, because we are constrained in the military the things that we can and cannot do but in the civilian sector there's there's a variety of things that you guys are doing that more than likely we're not able to do. But in preparation of that is talking to civilians, being around them, networking with them. In fact, I told you about a conference that I went to. It's for civilian PAs, and the militaries are integrated in that. So because at the end of the day, when you tie a copter uniform or whatever you're wearing, you come home, you're a mom to somebody, you're a parent, you have so many things in common. So that finding out the common ground with each other, I think it's very helpful.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we talk about that a lot at VAS because we support women professionals across industries. Yes, we're very intentional about that because we're like, look at the end of the day, we're all dealing with the same shit, regardless of industries. And you know, we come home and then we have to, you know, care for loved ones and care for the household and all of those things. So how do we just share story and different lived experiences so we can help one another?

Speaker 2:

so you're still right on that end.

Speaker 1:

So obviously you've worked in very high pressure environments and you've talked a lot about during our best session and even earlier in this discussion about the inner critic and learning how to silence that inner critic. So just curious as to how you managed to do that to silence the self-doubt in moments when stakes were high, right and the margin of error was slim.

Speaker 2:

Yes, absolutely. So when you compare the inner critic, it gets louder when the stakes are high. Right, because you can hear it louder whenever that's happening when the stakes are high right, because you can hear it louder whenever that's happening. But then you have to trust your training again, because if you trust that training of how well prepared you are, that inner critic will silence. So take a pause, breathe, remind yourself that you're prepared for whatever that moment is.

Speaker 2:

And in the military, we train as we fight. What that means is, if you are in a peacetime situation, you have to prepare yourself as if you are in war, because that's what we're preparing for in the military. Same thing when, in the civilian sector, if you're preparing for an interview, that's high stake. You have to train as you fight. So you practice what, the questions that may come up, the things, the sharpshooting that they may give you. So be prepared.

Speaker 2:

And also, when you're in doubt, just refocus on the mission and whatever you're there for, and rely on your people, regardless of who they are, on their strength. So that's why you have to build a team. If you're the only one that's strong and everybody like the weakest link is your gauge of how strong you are right. So if your weakest link is not strong, you have to build them up during that peacetime so that when you're ready for that war effort, whatever that environment high-stake environment is at work, you're all ready, not just you. And also I found strengths in connecting with other women leaders that have been in situations that remind us that self-doubt is common, so it doesn't have to be in control, but you need to acknowledge it and also don't surrender to it. Be prepared and go in there as a team.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, definitely. The preparation is key and trusting in you know what you've already done and your abilities. When it comes to women of color, you know black women, indigenous women, latinas, filipinas. We're often told that we have to already be twice, if not more, as good as our peers just to have a seat at the table.

Speaker 1:

And I have found that in my personal experience to be true. And you know, and we're trained especially in the military I would say to like not, don't complain, it is what it is. So you just, I would say to like, don't complain, it is what it is. So you just do what you have to do and you prepare and you show up and all of those things. And I always want to encourage us to do that, of course work hard, prepare. But also, how do we challenge the system that continues to put more pressure on certain groups of people? You know, because I think that it is our responsibility as leaders to to like okay, let's support women in their development to get to the leadership position, but while also holding systems accountable to see, okay, you know, we also need to level the play and feel and we need to address the biases, because oftentimes we're putting all of these pressure on, you know, women, women of color, certainly without the support systems that they need as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So one thing that I've learned in this space is you're not alone. And then the other is sometimes we're our own enemies, right, like when you see, like jealousy and things like that curb that because you're not advancing together. If there's jealousy or if you want to be in front of somebody else, you have to march together. And one thing that I've learned too, in my reading and also experiencing, is there's things where, if you can't beat them, join them. But then in our situation, if you can't beat them, create your own circle. Because I know I'm sure you know this this history of when women were not even allowed to open their own bank account without their husband's permission. So women got together and created their own bank. So create your own bank, whatever that is. Collaborate and do something together.

Speaker 2:

Don't step aside and be a victim and say, oh, the system is keeping me down, type thing. How can you rise up from the situation that you're in? By getting help and also taking advantage of the things that are already there, like small business opportunities for women and women of color, et cetera. So don't worry, you're at least 50 percent owner of these businesses. Take advantage of those. So don't worry, you're at least 50 percent owner of these businesses. Take advantage of those. When there's a will, there's a way is really true, and don't think of the system as something that that will not enable you to get to where you need to be. As long as you're, you're asking for help and you know where you want to be.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure. You know, women are often told to stay humble and to let their work speak for itself. Right, and here you are. You publish a book, you've authored over 100 publications and you present widely and speak on different topics on multiple stages, different topics on multiple stages. How have you balanced humility with the need to assert your voice and take ownership of your expertise in global platforms?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's a great question. So the humility part is very important, regardless of what accomplishments you've achieved, because there's that part of you that you're never going to know anything and everything. So and then the confidence humility and confidence I don't think are opposites, they're. It's like a, it's like yin and yang or a Venn diagram. They're there, they go together, they're modular, they're partners. So I always give credit where credit is due. So whenever I'm doing something, there's always somebody that has helped me.

Speaker 2:

Even though I've published a lot of things I've presented, there's always I mean, even even when you're working, you're supposed to reference people that have helped you or reference material. So those are the things that can can give you credibility when you're utilizing other people in whatever you're doing. So what that has taught me is sharing my voice with others can be a positive aspect of what somebody else will be willing to do because they see me doing it. So that's the reason why I don't want to want to be not in front, because I need to be up front, because I am unique in my, in my certain things that I've accomplished and who I am, that somebody else can say you know what I can do? Crying in the hotel for her mom before basic training and found the courage to just go out there and do the things that she'd done. So I reframed being visible as being accessible and I think that's helped me take up the space without apologizing for it. What?

Speaker 1:

are some of the most effective tools for establishing credibility without compromising your values and identity.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So tools in a rhetorical or not really like a hard way, is just being consistent with the things that you're doing. Be competent, because you can't complain that you didn't get the job when you knew you weren't competent for that particular job. And the connection that you need to have, because, for the most part, at my level of competence and the people of my peers, we know that we are all competent and we're consistent, but do they know you? Do they know your skill set? So, if you don't know, have the connections of people who need to advocate for you, for whatever it is to sponsor you, it's not really going to help you, even though you know you have the skill sets for it.

Speaker 2:

And I also don't pretend to be someone. I'm not. I'm not a 50% of somebody else, I'm 100% of me and I lead with transparency. There are certain things that I'm not supposed to be allowed to say yet. However, during the timeframe, like right now, with a lot of the turbulence, communication is really key in being transparent to things that are happening that are affecting people's lives. So I think authenticity is becoming rare, but you need to be one of those people that utilizes that, and also I also let my outcomes speak for themselves. So I back that up with open collaboration.

Speaker 2:

I always, like you said, I always lift somebody up, whether above me or below me. And also, like Vest, I've seen that your story. You identify your identities as, not liabilities, and in fact, you use them as your differentiators. So this is a cohort of people that you want to be associated with because you lift each other up. So that realization has helped me, I think, to lead from a place of truth to myself. And that shows with other people and not assimilation. That shows with other people and not assimilation. And, of course, with our background, we've taught to be a chameleon and go out there and be like everybody else, but that's not who we are. We don't need to assimilate. We can differentiate and be true to our own selves.

Speaker 1:

I want to tie back because I thought this sparked a very interesting conversation during our session, and that is the transition of skills. Right, and I mean, of course you've not. Even within the military, you know you had a lot of roles. Unfortunately, there's a lot of shame still around transitioning careers, whether they're planned or unplanned right, like sometimes, unfortunately, we're let go or there's layoffs or things that we can't even control and still we internalize that need to shift careers and there's some shame that we process often, unfortunately, and then that leads to isolation and then it leads to us not reaching out and not really exploring and being open to opportunities. So just curious as to how you've handled all of those different transitions in your career and over your career and also how you train yourself to, like you know, transition your skills from role to role Right.

Speaker 2:

So I think this is a great question for both military and civilian, because in the military we have a struggle of having too many acronyms, too many jargons that don't translate to the civilian sector. So how does an infantryman decide what their skill sets are when they want to go into the civilian sector? And it's also not just those that are short-termers in the military or, like me, with the long-termers, because regardless of how long you've served, at some point you're going to leave the military. So you have to be prepared, regardless if that's three years or 30 years. So what I think is just that example with the infantryman that wants to do something else in the civilian sector, knows how to do a weapon or whatever, or knows how to shoot low crawl and like how do you translate that to the civilian sector? So I would recommend starting listing the outcomes you've achieved, from whatever. Those are not just the titles you've held. What did you achieve? Ask yourself, what did I solve, who did I serve? What did I lead? So make those smart, specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time bound and also connect those skills to the new space you're stepping into, whatever that is. So that infirmary that wants to become a business owner, how does your discipline in being in the military translate to that new stepping stone that you need to go to in that space? So the same way with all of us.

Speaker 2:

Like, I had a friend that was a clinician for many years and then I found out that she opened up a bakery. I was like how the heck did I not know? You like baking, so how do you translate those skills? But you know what, when she was a clinician, she was organized, she was always on time, she had a skill sets of knowing what comes first, second, third. So the recipes came and she had the passion. So I think that's what made her successful in a so different of a thing that she's doing now. So I think it's magnificent that you can just switch however you know, so you can continue reinventing yourself.

Speaker 2:

And I know Vess is filled with women proving that your experience is more portable than you think. It can be transferable from one set to another. So for me, in my profession as a PA, physician assistant or physician associate, the beauty of my career is I can switch around. So I started out primary care and then I specialized in orthopedics. But if I don't want to do that anymore. I can go into dermatology, but, like what you're saying, how do you get those things that you knew before to transfer to other? So just figure out what the outcomes that you had based on what you achieved. So your value isn't tied to the role of that particular industry that you're in now. So own your narrative on it, because if you don't, someone else will more than likely or will define it for you and you're probably not going to like it. So might as well lean forward, write your own narrative on whatever transition you're going through, or somebody else will.

Speaker 1:

One of the questions that a member asked that I want to bring it into this forum because I thought it was very important is yes, you know, sometimes as women, we want to fix things right and so sometimes we go into workspaces and perhaps the culture or the work environment is just toxic, but we stay in there because we love our team and we want to protect our team and we want to do the best. You know, maybe we can change it from the inside out the best you know and maybe we can change it from the inside out. Remember this member talking when is it? When? When is it time to fight and stay there and see if you can still make change from within, and when is it time to maybe set step, step back and say and maybe it's time for me to go and take my skills and my passion and my value somewhere else?

Speaker 2:

Right. So this is when I mentioned the boiling frog syndrome that everybody should know about. So the boiling frog syndrome metaphor is there's a frog and it's in the water, it's in a pot and you incrementally increase the temperature on it and it won't jump out, it will just stay there and pretty much die because they're not cognizant, because the pretty much die because they're not cognizant, because the incremental increase of the heat they're not feeling it and they're just not even cognizant of it that it's happening. It's killing them and that's what I think a toxic environment does to you is incrementally gets worse and then at the end of it you're like you look back and like that job killed me, or you don't even realize it and you're not in a good place. We don't use toxic anymore in the military. It's unproductive leadership is what it's called now. But what I recommend is, on your own volition, turn up the heat every now and then to say, to assess where you're at, because you're your best advocate and also best person to determine what that environment is to you and also figure out if anybody else is not doing well as well, like an outsider can provide that feedback as well. But one of the things that I also learned regarding imposter syndrome is sometimes you don't think you have the skill sets to move, so you just stay where you are. So that's the other thing of turning up the heat is don't get stuck in wherever you are now. Figure out what new skill sets. Don't quit your job. Save money. Money because that helps you prepare for whatever else you need to get into, because when you're looking for a job and they find out you don't have a job, the likelihood of you getting that job is minimal. But if they know that you're in a position right now where you're still working and you're just improving your skill sets, and I think, don't burn bridges either, because that environment, where you, you may have been, um, uh, it may have, uh, probably still gave you some, some positive, uh, reinforcements and things that you can bring to the next skill set, uh.

Speaker 2:

So for us, um, in the military, we move every three years and if there is certain kinds of environments where we know that it's not conducive because sometimes, the way I see it, sometimes it's not people, it's the process, so it's it's. Or sometimes the, the conflict of personalities. So the conflict of personalities you can separate. But if it's a process problem where you're not giving the tools that your workers need to get the job done. You need to give them that, and if you can't, then you need to allow them to move on. And the same thing whenever somebody was saying well, so-and-so is always going to school and increasing their skill sets Well, wouldn't you want that? And then they stay, or they're using their skill sets and move somewhere else.

Speaker 2:

So those are the things that I think in this type of environment is determined whether it's a people issue or if it's a process issue, because you don't want to quit and say, oh, I don't like so-and-so because they did this. Well, it's probably because they're not given the tools that they needed to do in order to help you. They just don't realize it because there's nobody at the top helping them. So figure out what the process is. Of course, on my bio, you know I do Lean Six Sigma. So Lean Six Sigma is getting rid of the things that are impeding people in getting their work done, and that those are easy fixes. So if that's the case, then fix the process and otherwise, if it's a people issue, then you need to do counseling or documentation, things like that, so that at some point they may need to leave the organization and it may be for their betterment, because sometimes people don't realize that moving to another location may be a positive thing for them and for the group they left. So I think that's a great way to go about it.

Speaker 1:

Are there any specific habits, tools or daily practice that have helped you gain this confidence? Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I have a lot of them, but I think it's different per person on how you want to improve yourself, because I think, basically, what you're asking is how do I stay grounded? And also, what are my daily habits in keeping up with everything? I take time for myself is the bottom line, and I think a lot of women are starting to realize now that they do need to do that. So, yes, morning journaling and also planning with intention, like I know, I look at my calendar, I go by my calendar for everything. I even have tiny R of a one-minute reminder from two weeks from now, saying, hey, don't forget to ask so-and-so about this, because I'm task-oriented and people know me because of that and sometimes they wonder how come she remembers all this. I don't. I put it on my calendar and the calendar reminds me hey, ping so-and-so, cause they're due for whatever.

Speaker 2:

So, and then reflecting on the wins, because positive reinforcement, I think, will let you continue doing things, uh, that you think are hard. So, uh, a habit needs to be done in three weeks If you're doing something new, if you're trying to lose weight, if you're trying to uh, do something different, uh, done in three weeks. If you're doing something new. If you're trying to lose weight, if you're trying to do something different, give it three weeks, because more than likely if you quit a week, two weeks it's not enough for you to get into that habit. So showing up, getting feedback from other people, and also confidence grows, I think, when you remind yourself of how much you've overcome already. So that's the way I do that in the book that you mentioned that I wrote is reflecting back in your childhood and figuring out the milestones, even though you had some step backs on what went well, how did you overcome them? Because those are the lessons that you brought you to where you are. Overcome them because those are the lessons that you brought you to where you are and also the intentional self-reflection that I think is aligned with Vest. So you don't build confidence by accident. It's a, it's a daily decision that you have to do.

Speaker 2:

And, um, last time when we were recording, somebody asked me what I did and I told them it's just a Ross book. In fact, they still still has a Ross sticker on it. Oh, amazing, it says engaging heaven today for women. But it doesn't have to be this book. I'm not advocating that you get this book that I got for $4.99 at Ross, is stick with something. And then I have another book that I write based on what I see from that and and and all the lessons. So five minutes, that's all it takes, because it's like five, five sentences on there and it's daily, it has a 365 days and, of course, mental, physical as well, because a lot of people are struggling with the physical aspect of the obesity and things like that, because you're yeah're feeding the depression, things like that. So I think, self-reflection and taking care of yourself as early as you can in the morning rather than waiting until later.

Speaker 1:

And it's too late by then. So true, on the mobility, well, first of all, last time you also talked about you know, confidence is a muscle.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's right as you work it, and doing all of these things help as you work it. And doing all of these things help, and definitely the journaling, reminding yourself, reading books that you know get you to think, because I think that's another thing we talked about. Like journaling is great, but for some of us, like it's hard right to get in that mindset. And so having a book that I think it's the one that you bought at Ross for five dollars which you know, having little reminders like that or little helpers like that, that's why we always like to ask what tools. You also mentioned another like military acronym.

Speaker 2:

So I also mentioned something else, which is the evidence banks. That's why I need for you to fill up your bank. In fact, my tips have been like you can have any bank, so fill it up with confidence, things of feedback of your achievements. I mean, write them down in that little bank and then read them every now and then. So AAR is an after action review. Whenever we have an event, an exercise or whatever we do, um, uh, it's three. Part first is what happened. So we write down facts of what happened and then, um, what went well. So three, what went well. And then three, what can be improved. It's it's not what didn't go well, it's not what's negative, it's in a positive zone where what can we improve on.

Speaker 2:

The next time we do this again so that's the same way with your daily exercises is when you're uh in the evening, say how, how did it go to what happened today? How, how did it go, what went well and what needs to be improved? So you're not bringing it to the next day of making the same mistakes over and over. So you're incrementally, um, getting better throughout the day because you don't. Insanity is doing the same things over and over. So you're incrementally getting better throughout the day because you don't. Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting the same results.

Speaker 2:

So that's a an Einstein quote that I always go by. So, and then the other one is the my favorite quote is actually from Eleanor Roosevelt was nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. And I always think that because because as a child, you're like oh, mommy doesn't love me, or somebody didn't give me attention, or I did this, but you know what? You're giving them permission for you to feel that way. So you can't say you made me angry. You can't say you made me not grow. You didn't, it's it's, I allowed you to do something to me, so don't allow it. So nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Speaker 1:

How have you handled setbacks and moments of failure in your life and how do you recommend other women approach failures and setbacks?

Speaker 2:

This is a very good question, because some people see somebody successful, that is all you know, a straight line. But it's really like this and it's quickly going down. So that's how I see failures. They allow us to see what else we can do right. So fall five times, get up six times.

Speaker 2:

One thing that I did learn is I need to allow myself to feel it, because before, whenever I had a setback, I was just like, oh, just move on. But then later on, without that self-reflection of feeling that failure, it affected me more because I didn't allow it to heal. Right, it's like when you have a wound, you have to feel it, you have to let it heal. Instead of being 80% and moving on, there's still that 20% that's going to set you back, and then processing it is not a weakness. So I asked myself what did I learn from this? It's another AAR thing. What would I do differently next time? So setbacks have been some of my greatest teachers. So I also lean on trusted circles. So I see that best is this type of community where you can be real without being judged, and then failure is not final and it's just feedback, right. So this is a thing.

Speaker 2:

So one thing that I remember from this is in the military we interview for jobs. If you didn't get one job, don't take that as a setback. It's probably, when one door closes, probably five windows or other doors will open, is what we tell each other. Whenever I'm talking to peers and say, hey, I didn't get this job, like, oh, don't worry about it, other things will come up. And another one that I remember is I submitted for a course to be accepted to an orthopedic program. I didn't get in, so I did things on my own and got better, and then I tried again. And then what helped me is it became a doctorate program, because initially, when I was just trying to put in for it, it was a reason why I didn't get accepted, because now I have a doctorate from it where if I got accepted that first time, it would have been just a certificate and I would have to do more to earn that doctorate. So just don't think of your failures as setbacks. Treat them as feedback.

Speaker 1:

What happens when you're the only one in an organization or the only one in the room that's advocating for something, and you know you kind of feel lonely. And I think you spoke about the importance of you know building allies at work. Can you talk about that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So this this one was an example that I gave regarding amplification, because I did read about it when it was a meeting with President Obama and there were men, women, and then there was a man that was basically negating whatever the woman was saying, but the other woman beside her amplified her on the value of what she was saying, so it basically silenced whoever was talking regarding whatever that topic is. So when you feel and sometimes you will still be that only person that's advocating or saying something, that's not right. So just remember what your inner values are, just remember the standards. Don't go below them, because if you go below them, then that becomes the standard.

Speaker 2:

If you see somebody that's not doing something right, praise them in public and admonish or correct them in private to tell them what they can improve or whatever happened.

Speaker 2:

For us it's on the spot. Corrections is what we call it, because when you see somebody and you know that their hair is not right, their uniform is not the right, because we have regulations to tell us what we're supposed to look like, and you just set them aside and say, hey, you're not supposed to wear those type of earrings, you're not supposed to wear that type of blah, blah blah, so that's more of a visible thing. But then sometimes their behavior can also be detrimental to the meeting, for example, that gentleman that's just not behaving pretty much in a meeting. Just set them aside and say, hey, this is what I saw happen, and then have them have the ability to articulate on what happened and how they can do better in the next time and don't embarrass them. So that's the main thing that I think it's self-respect. And also, how would you like to be treated in that same setting? So I think that's the main thing that I think is self-respect and also, how would you like to be treated in that same setting? So I think that's very important.

Speaker 1:

We were talking about LinkedIn earlier before we started recording and I was tagged today. There's obviously a lot of things happening in our world, a lot of layoffs, both in the private sector and in the public sector and across the board. How would you coach somebody that's currently looking, particularly if they're getting out of the military and going into civilian work? How would you coach somebody to look for those opportunities?

Speaker 2:

Right. So right now it is happening because there's certain things that they're doing it in phases. Right so right now they're identifying those that are voluntarily wanting to retire or wanting to leave and not continue to serve, but then there's a pocket of cohorts that still wants to continue, but that's just dependent on if they can or not. So that's just like the thing that I was telling you about don't quit this job until you get the other job. And I've seen on LinkedIn, don't quit this job until you get the other job. I've seen on LinkedIn it's a great platform to say, hey, I'm looking for a job. Pretty much I'm looking for a job, these are my connections, and then join these organizations that fit.

Speaker 2:

I think it's a great time to reinvent yourself pretty much. Don't think of this as a setback. Think of this as a challenge to increase whatever space you need to be in, whether that be improving your education and also figuring out who else you need to talk, to talk, to clean up your resume, because, like I said, we have a lot of military jargon on our CVs that need to be translated into civilian. And same way with the civilians whenever you're in a different market, you need to determine the wording that needs to be for that particular market that you're interviewing for. And also confidence, I think, and I've seen that there is difficulty in this environment of getting jobs. But just while you're looking for a job, hone in and improve the skills that you need to have in future jobs as well. So don't quit grinding and peddling. So I think that's very important.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, I love it and it's part of why we need to get rid of this shame right To put ourselves out there on LinkedIn to network, build community and um, you know and we were talking about AI, using AI earlier, like you can use with your resume and and with boarding and all of those things. So thank you for that.

Speaker 2:

So what I learned during that conference that I told oh, I did tell you this is that don't be afraid of AI, because AI is not going to replace you. It's just that you are going to be replaced by somebody who knows AI, so you better know AI along the way.

Speaker 1:

Well, we always love to close our sessions with takeaways. What can listeners and VAS members can do right after this call? Something tangible. So what is some advice that you have, whether it's a practice, a mindset shift that you recommend best members and people that are listening to this podcast do after this call?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So the one that you already mentioned, that I did mention the last time, is that that confidence, um, treating it like a muscle, uh, it grows with use, so if you don't use it, you lose it. So, for example, this week, just choose one thing you've been avoiding, whether it's speaking up, setting a boundary or asking for what you deserve. We are notorious for not speaking up. Even in my profession, men make more than women, even though there's more women in the civilian sector. In the military, there's more men because of the way that it's happening. But we make the same. So we can actually look up my rank and see how much I make. But in the civilian sector, we can actually look up my rank and see how much I make.

Speaker 2:

But in the civilian sector, it's that community of figuring out what your worth is and figuring out together, because if somebody takes a lower salary with this job, it hurts the next person, it hurts the community when you're not earning what you're worth. So take action whenever that is Small, bold moves, create momentum for it, and it looks like Vest gives you the backing of a powerful community. So make sure that your next level starts with you. So show up, even when you're unsure, and also you're more ready than you think. So that's why it's so important to focus on yourself. You're more ready than you think, so that's why it's so important to focus on yourself during this time, so that you are able to show up for yourself, for your family or wherever you may be.

Speaker 1:

And another thing listeners can do is get your book, the Lotus Within. We're going to put the link on our show notes. And how can people find you? How can they connect with you, Amelia?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so it's pretty simple. I'm Filipina and an Army PA, so my hashtag or at sign is PNAI Army PA Papa. India. November. Alpha Yankee, alpha Romeo. Mike Yankee, papa Alpha.

Speaker 1:

I love it. You have to bring in the military spirit. Name your phonetics. I know your phonetics Love it, I love it. You have to bring in the military. Name your phonetics. I know your phonetics Love it, love it. If you enjoyed this episode, share with a friend and don't forget to leave us a review. And if you're ready to take your career to the next level, apply to join our community of professional women all eager to help you get there and stay there. Go to wwwvestherco and apply today.

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Erika Lucas

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